“No” is Frustrating
The science of behavior is not specific to humans and when you start to understand the science, you will begin to see parallels between human interactions and those we have with our dogs. These interactions are some of the most interesting and enlightening as a trainer, and their relatability helps me empathize with the experiences our dogs have. As you may have already guessed, I recently had one of these experiences and it felt important to share.
Let me give you some background, I’ll be brief, but this is relevant:
I have started playing a new video game, a few of you may have heard of it if you spend any time in the gaming realm, Diablo IV. I will be the first to admit that I am not very good at video games. If presented with the opportunity to enjoy some down time I typically choose to read, but every once in awhile my husband’s involvement in a game will peak my interest and I will give it a try. While I only log on to play when I have the energy and patience to navigate an unfamiliar world, he is a gamer, playing one or more games on a daily basis. He’s good at games having played them since childhood, so he is very familiar with the mechanics and style of communication that games use with players. On the other hand, my experience is very limited and I often find certain components of games frustrating because I am not always sure what is expected of me or how to identify or achieve all of the goals. There is a language barrier between games and I, I am doing my best to try and better understand them, they are definitely not returning the favor.
Now for the main scene:
Picture it, Buffalo at 8pm on a Friday night (judge if you must, I stay home on my night off), I login to complete a few game tasks and my husband decides to hang out in my office while I play. I’m in a new area of the game map and I have to complete a very specific task of clearing the area of monsters and things to “capture” it. After that sentence some of you may be thinking, what is she even talking about? Stay with me, I won’t get into details, but I promise this is relative. He is watching me run around this small section of map and clearly I am missing something I need to complete the task, so from behind me I hear, “No”, indicating that the way that I am going is not correct. I change direction, “No”, I change direction again….you can guess where this is going. After hearing “No” at least a handful of times I got frustrated and snapped at him, “This is not helpful, why don’t you try giving me more useful information that will help me figure out what I should be doing”.
I did finish the section of map with his help, AFTER he provided me with information that was more informative. Afterwards I apologized for my outburst but explained that I found it very frustrating to be told what not to do without being given any information about what I should be doing instead. Read the underlined section of that last sentence again, from your dog’s perspective, maybe in a fun voice. This is the reason why the way that we communicate with our dogs is important!
We often have a specific goal in mind for our dogs, usually related to something we don’t want them to do, the “NO”. To us it may seem very simple, “I don’t want you to jump on people when you greet them”, but have we made it clear to our dogs what they should be doing instead? I may tell the dog “off” or “no”, but have I properly communicated that I would prefer that they sit or at least keep 4 feet on the floor? We cannot assume our dogs are going to automatically jump (no pun intended) to the conclusion that they should be doing those things instead. Especially if in their mind, there is no reason to do those things instead when the thing they are doing makes sense to them.
I suppose I left out a significant detail from earlier in the story. After getting frustrated, I also told my husband, “If you are going to continue telling me No, which isn’t helpful, then I’m going to just quit”. Sure, I probably would have come back to it later and figured it out when he wasn’t watching me and providing “help”, but if this continued to happen on a regular basis, would I want to continue trying to play this game? Probably not, I would likely quit and go back to the behavior that worked for me, reading. In this situation I am the dog, trying my best with the information I had, but progress was difficult without clear and constructive feedback. To my husband the game is obvious, it makes sense, so he can’t relate to my lack of understanding or feelings of frustration. Now imagine that we ignore our dogs lack of understanding, and instead consistently communicate with them in a way that builds frustration. How is the lack of effective communication going to impact our success, not only in training, but in our relationship with our dog?
Having shared this experience with you, maybe it reminds you of an experience you have had with another human or with your dog, maybe not. In either case, I hope it will make you consider the way that you communicate with your dog (or other humans) and try to make that communication as positive, effective, and meaningful as you can. Remember, our dogs don’t start out knowing how to play the game and they most certainly don’t speak the language. They are at a disadvantage, lacking experience and understanding, it’s our job to help them make progress.
